What is all this fuss over SUVs? Bill Maher wrote a book about them called When You Ride Alone, You Ride With Bin Laden. At least I think that’s what it’s about. I don’t know because I never read books by people who used to have a talk show. It’s like that book by Al Gore. I never read books by people who used to be elected. Why should I? Al put me to sleep as Vice President. What’s he gonna do now, inspire me? Al spent last week promoting his book in places like Florida. No wonder it’s not selling well. Since no one in that State can vote right, they probably can’t read either.

What exactly is an SUV? Maybe it’s some kinda singing group, you know, like TLC. Boy, their hot! If SUVs look like TLC maybe people wouldn’t get so angry at them! But if it’s not a singing group, maybe it’s a virus like UVC. Everyone is always saying that if you have SUV you get a lot of gas. When I get gas people get mad at me. Wait, I think I have it wrong. Maybe I have been hearing that people with SUVs use a lot of gas? That must mean, yea, now I know! Those SUVs are some sort of cars, or trucks, or wagons or, hmm?

O.K. So, if Maher’s book is right, you have to put that Bin Laden guy in your SUV when you go riding around. But that’s crazy! How are you going to find him? The U.S. Government has spent billions looking for that guy and they can’t find him. Maybe any Arab will do? After all, they ‘re the ones with too much gas that charge people all that money for it. If I charged people a lot of money every time I had too much gas, I would be like the Bill Gates of farts! I wonder if Bill drives one of those SUVs? I heard he’s a really bad driver. Most people that drive those SUVs are really bad drivers, so he would fit right in.

I also heard that if you bought an SUV you could get rich by converting it from gas to something called alternative fuels. A bunch of politicians in Arizona said they would pay a stack of cash to people who convert to something other then gas. What did they have in mind? Steam? Hot Air? As it turns out, I guess those Politicians were full of hot air because they didn’t pay a lot of people who got their SUVs converted. Well, they had better watch out! People that drive those things have real bad tempers and they always look mad. Doesn’t Tony Soprano drive one? Maybe they need therapy and some pills, like Tony, to calm down. I think that they’re angry because those SUVs are so hard to park. People that drive them seem to have a lot of trouble parking. Or maybe they’re mad because of how much gas they use. I’ve noticed that a lot of SUV owners start muttering horrible curses after they fill up and find out what it costs. But I don’t know. My wife mutters horrible curses all the time and she doesn’t drive an SUV!

Someone finally told me what SUV stands for. It’s Sports Utility Vehicle. But what does that mean? Those things don’t hardly seem big enough to hold a sports team or even half the Brady Bunch. I was behind some guy picking up his kids from school the other day and he couldn’t even fit his kids school packs in the back! He also started muttering horrible curses. But, wait! Why does Tony Soprano drive one? I mean, you can’t fit any good sized bodies in the back! But I guess it doesn’t matter to him, because he always has them cut up. Maybe all those SUV owners just want to look important. You know, like people that ride in limos. But I think limos are cheaper and use less gas. And limos have more room. I saw Hugh Hefner in the back of a limo once and he was able to fit a lot of his girl friends in there. They weren’t muttering curses, looked happy and real cozy!

I think SUV should stand for Stupid Useless Vehicle. Those things are just dumb! They cost a lot to buy and use too much gas. I like mini-vans and station wagons better. I mean, if you try and go to a drive-in or lover’s lane with an SUV you’re liable to end up with a broken back. But if you have teens at home that drive, an SUV might be just the ticket! The bad seats and small mount of room is like having a built in birth control device. You know, like the mini-vans have those built in baby seats?

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