Vote For The Dead
For the past two months the news media has spent a huge amount of effort promoting Al Gore. He was everywhere! It didn’t matter whether he had anything intelligent to say or not. And since he rarely spoke an intelligent word while Vice President, I don’t know why they would think he’d have anything new or important say now. But, it was all for naught, as he recently announced that there would be no bid for the Presidency in 2004. Considering his personality Gore might qualify as deceased, but imagine the time, hassles and money that would be saved if people started voting for the actual dead!
Let’s say that the line-up of 2004 Presidential hopefuls is as dismal as it was in 2000. Why not just turn things right around and vote for Jimmy Stewart? Since almost anyone you elect is going to go to Washington, D.C. and forget all about you anyway, why not send someone there who is dead? Most everyone liked Jimmy while he was alive and he did do that movie, Mr. Smith Goes To Washington. All we would have to do is park Marilyn’s his in the blue room for four years and forget about him. No expensive limos, Air Force One fuel bills or payoffs to bimbos. Just pure peace and quiet.
O.K. Maybe voting for the dead is a bit extreme. After all, Presidents do have to make occasional decisions. So let’s vote for fictional characters! At least we’ll know where they stand on the issues. Just ask Elmer Fudd about gun control and he’ll say, “Shhh! Be wery, wery qwiet. I’m hunting wabbits…ha ha ha ha ha!” Ask Bugs Bunny about medical care and he’ll say, “Ahhh, what’s up Doc?” Since we never really know what Politicians are talking about anyway, this idea is perfect! But maybe our enemies won’t take us seriously if congress is made up of the Care Bears and our secretary of state is Spongebob? Let’s go back to the dead.
Maybe we need a dead person with a tougher image. You know, someone like Humphrey Bogart, James Cagney or Bette Davis? If the press were to ask James Cagney what he would have to say to Saddam Hussein, Jimmy would say, “You dirty rat!” If they ask Humphrey Bogart how he will handle terrorists, Bogey would say, “I‘m a killer, see!” And if they ask Bette Davis about the possibility of going to war, she would say. “Better fasten your seatbelts. It’s going to be a bumpy ride!”
The dead are more honest then the living. That’s because we already have them on record. We could vote for famous dead politicians like FDR. Who cares if he’s been worm food for over 50 years, the guy had heart! Anytime anyone asks him a question, we can just replay that “All we have to fear is fear itself!” recording. And if the Communists make a comeback, we can vote for General Douglas MacArthur and use his famous quote, “It is my destiny to defeat Communism.” And if Bush can get rid of those pesky terrorists, we can vote for Patton in 2004. When people ask what he’ll do to stop them, we’ll just use his quote, “I won’t stop until I kill every one of those dirty sons of bitches!”
With all the stress in today’s world, why make a decision you’ll regret? I mean, suppose you voted for somebody living like Trent Lott? He’s got more bad things to say about black people then Bill Clinton has girlfriends! The dead don’t say anything and so they can’t say anything stupid and get in trouble with Voters. Unless someone gets one of those people that talk to the dead to get involved. But they never seem to talk to anyone famous, just somebody’s Aunt who is happy to tell her living relatives how much fun being dead is.
So the next time you enter a voting booth, vote dead! Unless you live in Florida, then you’ll probably be dead before you get to vote. And I’ve heard that Floridians are really mean to voters. In the last Presidential Election, they kept talking about hanging some guy named Chad because of how he voted!